I think I need to tell the world.
I am hurting.
I'm not suffering from rage or anxiety. I'm not furious or pounding my chest. I am just defeated. Deflated. My joy bubble: popped. Grief seems like too strong a word to others but it remains the only word that defines the churning. Sometimes I sob into my pillow while falling asleep. Other times I weep at my desk at work. Outright weep (don't worry, I work alone). Mostly I catch myself shaking slightly with tears just about to pour over the ledge of my lower eye lids. I cannot focus on my life because my thoughts are so consumed with this bullet; this weighted ball-and-chain. You may think this is dramatic or unwarranted because the situation is not decided, but it doesn't matter. My emotional and spiritual health depend on me being as gut-wrenchingly honest to myself as I can be. And in the wake of that, as blatantly honest with my family and my "safe" ones.
I have never liked change. In fact, I'm one to stick to the old ways as long as possible so as not to confront change. I hated the idea of college. Most teenagers cannot wait to let go and move on. Pack their bags and drive or fly to their future. That future that is their own; by themselves, with no help, doing it as an individual, as an adult. I did not like this concept. I probably would have stayed in high school and lived at home forever if I had the choice. But I was told college was the next step. I was encouraged to choose a place away from comfort, somewhere where I could learn about me and grow. Now that's a silly thought. Learn about me? I know me. I'm a straight A student. I'm an athlete. I'm a leader in my youth group and I do nursery on Sunday mornings. I read leadership books and serve on the student council. What else is there to learn? Oh what heightened false realities we live when we are younger. And even though I've learned who I am - I'm afraid of confrontation, I hate change, I can be passive aggressive and I like to present to the world that I do everything right and know a lot of facts - I know even now that I will look back at my twenties and figure that I didn't know anything then. But I know more now than I did, and that's a good first step.
Tangent aside, change is downright awful for me, especially when it consists of something I did not know was coming or wasn't asking for. My parents have separated and I swallow hard acknowledging and typing that out. This is the hardest news to take when you think your family is immune. How can it be my parents, Lord? How did I not know or see signs? How could they have not warned me? Why did I think my family was so open and communicative when in all actuality I was not being told a damned thing? My first reaction was one of utter shock and bewilderment. I was thunderstruck and couldn't breathe properly. My parents who would hold each others' hands in the car? The couple that danced and made-out in the kitchen in front of their extremely uncomfortable teenage children? Yes, those same people. And although they are still the same people today as they were before January 10, perspective has shifted and I can never go back. I do not like the situation. I am not going to say it is OK. I am not going to hold back my tears just because I need to "buck-up" and be an adult, or so I am less dramatic. I am going to be in pain. For a long time. Because this cannot be fixed quickly or quietly. For them, this is apparently a Sabbath. For me, it is hell. But nothing is irredeemable and God is gracious. I pray that he gives both my parents the time and space they need from each other. I pray that they can communicate about these things in a healthy manner under healthy direction to make the marriage work again. I pray that they really address who they are in their humanity and in Christ. Lord knows I am trying to do the same now that Pandora's box has been opened. What in my past, in my history, has caused me to react and feel certain ways? What is my biological makeup and how does that affect my decisions, attitudes, relationships and states of being?
I encourage you to pick up the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. It addresses the issue of reaching so far into yourself to find out who you are, so you are able to relate to God and others better. The idea that you cannot be fully spiritually adept without being emotionally available to your own feelings. Everything stems from knowing yourself so as to know God. The author, Peter Scazzero, calls it your "authentic self" vs. your "false self". The person that you really are compared to the image you project. And not just in the tip of the iceberg, dime-store-psychology way. In the bitterly frustrating I-hate-this-growing-thing-with-a-passion type of self examination. My parents have forced all six of us to explore our authentic selves and this may be the hint of gold in the lump of coal. Scazzero gave four challenges to become our authentic selves: 1. pay attention to your interior world in silence and solitude with Christ 2. find trusted and safe companions 3. be prepared to move out of your comfort zone to address your true self and 4. pray for courage and then some more courage.
I am changing. My parents are changing. My family and life are changing. Hopefully, with much prayer, communication and self identification in the name of Jesus Christ, my family will be whole again.
Here is a video of Peter and Geri Scazzero's testimony and how learning EHS has helped in their marriage, family, and church:
http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/media/videoplayer3.asp?file=http://media.emotionallyhealthy.org/video/Testimony_New2.flv
Some quotes from EHS:
Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality. Listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God... Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives the heart a voice... However, we often turn a deaf ear - through emotional denial, distortion, or disengagement. We strain out anything disturbing in order to gain tenuous control of our inner world. We are frightened and ashamed of what leaks into our consciousness. In neglecting our intense emotions, we... lose a wonderful opportunity to know God. We forget that change comes through brutal honesty and vulnerability before God. (Dan Allender & Tremper Longman)
As Parker Palmer said, "Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch."
...when we neglect our most intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and close off an open door through which to know God. I remember the awkwardness when I began to be honest about my feelings. Initially I wondered if I was betraying God or leaving Christianity. I feared that if I opened Pandora's box, I would get lost in a black hole of unresolved emotions. I was breaking an unspoken commandment of my family and my church tradition. To my surprise, God was able to handle my wild emotions as they erupted after thirty-six years of stuffing them. I came alive like never before. And I rediscovered his love and grace - much like David, Job, and Jeremiah.
